MEET THE NASCAR FANATIC

Meet The NASCAR Fanatic

1. Description

The Nascar Fan comes in many shapes and sizes, but can be easily spotted for its distinctive white skin, neck tan, and tight sleeveless shirts [illustrated in Fig 1.1].

The Nascar Fan can also be identified for its zoobazz pants, acid wash jeans, and multi-colored hats and jackets [see Fig 1.2].

2. Habitat

The NASCAR fan can most notably be found in the rural suburbs of the Midwest and Southern states of America. But he can also be spotted in landscaping equipment trucks and tractor trailors [see picture 2.1].

The Nascar Fan can also be found anywhere deer can be hunted.

3. Hobbies

The Nascar Fan has several hobbies, among which include driving pick-up trucks, owning malnutritioned dogs, and drinking domestic beer [see Fig 3.1].

The Nascar Fan is also known for watching car crashes and chewing tobacco [illustrated in Fig 3.2].

If the Nascar Fan isn’t doing any of these he can be spotted disliking homosexuals, not attending college, and loving Jesus [pictured in Fig 3.3].

Other common hobbies of the Nascar Fan include watching Spike TV and taking stimulants [see Fig 3.4].

 

4. How To Approach Him

The Nascar Fan can be a friendly person, so make sure to say hi sometime. But be warned: The Nascar Fan loves his favorite sport, so make sure you say something about hating Jeff Gordon and then mention how much you love the purity of the sport.

 

5. Fun Facts

It takes 3 Nascar Fans to change a light bulb: one to stack a pile of books to step on, one to burn those books, and one to get a DUI on a tractor.

 

MEET THE HIPSTER

Meet the Hipster

1. Description

The Hipster can be most easily identified for their distinctive hairstyle, Bed Head. Which consists of not washing their hair, or sleeping in positions that allow the cowlicks on their heads to look fashionably unwashed [pictured in Fig 1.1].

Hipsters can also be identified for having 2% body fat [illustrated in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Hipster include having a star tattooed on the inside of their wrist, growing an ironic mustache, wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70′s ski-vest, a high school sports T-shirt, Nixon-era Chuck Taylors, chunky plastic-frame glasses, and air-tight black girls jeans [seen below in Fig 1.3].

 

2. Habitat

When the Hipster is not writing indie music reviews or posting up nightlife pictures of themselves, they can be seen living in Austin Texas, Portland Oregon, San Francisco, Los Angeles (Silver Lake), Wicker Park Chicago, and Williamsburg Brooklyn [pictured in Fig 2.1].

Other locations to spot Hipsters include coffee shops, the South-by-Southwest Music festival, and in the Art, Philosophy, or English courses at liberal arts colleges.

MEET THE GOTHIC TEENAGER

Meet the Gothic Teenager.

1. Description

Not to be confused with their gay cousin, the Emo Kid, the Gothic Teenager can be easily recognized in America for their unique fashion style of wearing anything black, to display their view of the world (i.e. dark and evil, etc.). [illustrated in Fig 1.1]

The Gothic Teenagers are also known to have black hair (with optional colored streaks), facial piercings, over-sized combat boots, black lipstick, black mascara on their eyelashes, and black and red eyeliner, to disguise their inner pain. [example in Fig 1.2]

Other common traits of the Gothic Teenager includes wearing pale white make-up, t-shirts with industrial bands on them, sleeves that aren’t attached to anything, studded bracelets, fish-net stockings, and goth collars. [pictured below in Fig 1.3]

Perhaps the most important attributes of the Gothic Teenager, however, include being happy people who are unbelievably attractive and/or fit. [see Fig 1.4]

2. Habitat

When Gothic Teenagers aren’t in their obviously broken homes, they can be found at suburban strip mall food courts, Denny’s restaurants late at night, smoking cigarettes in high school bathrooms, all Spencer Gifts stores, and all Hot Topic stores. [pictured in Fig 2.1]

3. Hobbies

Among the more popular hobbies of The Gothic Teenager include can usually be found worshiping the devil, reading poetry, being anti-establishment by smoking Marlboros, having AIM screennames like FireHellPainBabe666. [see Fig 3.1 for example of an typical goth AIM conversation]

The Gothic Teenager is also known for being heavily-exploited products of a bizarrely expressive youth sub-culture, slitting their wrists, secretly crying inside, fitting in with other non-conformists, and loving Tim Burton movies. [illustrated in Fig 3.2]

Other common hobbies of Gothic Teenagers include doing drugs, not having friends, and coming from dysfunctional families. [see Fig 3.3]

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Gothic Teenager, feel free to say “Hi” when you see one. But, be warned: the Gothic Teenager is accustomed to being ridiculed by most of society. So when approaching one, be sure to look like The Cure, and/or mention how awesome Edgar Allan Poe is.

5. Fun Facts

It takes four Gothic Teenagers to change a light bulb: one to cry about it, one to write a poem about it, one to reject such a conformist act, and one to get his older brother to do it.

Meet The College Professor

Meet the College Professor.

1. Description

The American College Professor comes in many shapes and sizes, but is known distinctively for its humorless expression, permanently snubbed nose, and philosophical rhetoric [illustrated in Fig 1.1].

Other common attributes of the College Professor include wearing oxford shirts with tweed sports coats [pictured below in Fig 1.2].

2. Habitat

When the College Professor is not in and around universities across the country, it can be found at Starbucks, libraries, and academic panel forums [pictured in Fig 2.1].

The College Professor can also be spotted at co-ed parties and protest rallies [see Fig 2.2].

3. Hobbies

The american College Professor has many hobbies, among which include having free time, being failed rock stars, growing beards, and drinking wine [example shown in Fig 3.1]

The College Professor is also know for using academic language to desperately validate their education, riding bicycles, being feminists, and publishing books [illustrated in Fig 3.2]

Other common hobbies of the College Professor include smoking clove cigarettes, failing in their non-academic pursuits, trying to be hip, reading turn-of-the-century European philosophy, and believing in equal opportunity [see Fig 3.3]

4. How to Approach Him

The College Professor is a friendly creature, but be warned on approaching one: if anything positive is said about oil and/or negative about Al Gore, the College Professor will become verbally hostile toward you. as it believes that an advanced degree in anything, makes them an expert on everything.

So be sure to ask the College Professor lots of questions (it loves to talk) and mention how much you respect Karl Marx.

5. Fun Facts

It takes 3 College Professors to change a light bulb. One to go on sabbatical, one to write a book about the socio-political impact that changing the light bulb will have, and one to get its TA to do it.